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Clothes made just to wear? That’s so passé

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POSTED July 9, 2014 1:24 a.m.

Boots — and therefore shoes — are made for walking.

At least that’s what the sultry Nancy Sinatra sang about back in the 1960s clad in go go boots and donning a mini-skirt. Yes, the era that Madonna and Lady Gaga would refer to as the Victorian Age.

In retrospect, Nancy Sinatra wasn’t probably all that hip. She didn’t have a beer bottle opener built into the soles of her boots.

Too bad as it may have helped her career had she been able to whip off a boot and open a bottle of Coors Light in front of her fans.

Or she could at age 74 simply fork over $50 and buy a pair of sandals.

Reef’s Mick Fanning Sandals have been around for the good part of a decade. They come complete with metal bottle openers integrated into the bottom of each sandal.

Obviously one is a backup in case the other fails or if you are so busy popping open brews you need to be able to use both hands and flip flops.

Most folks who have gone to college or have hit the beach on a regular basis during the past 10 years or so are probably familiar with the sandals.

As for me, I was introduced to them this week by a 22-year-old who usually has a hard time parting with a bill much larger than a twenty. He said they were ideal to wear to the river.

I’m so 20th century it isn’t even funny. The thought that clothes should serve simply as a way of keeping one covered, warmed or body parts protected is so passé.

Not everyone thinks it’s the cat’s meow to walk around wearing bottle openers strapped to your feet along with a big chuck of industrial strength rubber used as flip flops. Some Internet comments question the wisdom of popping open a brew using a bottle opener you have been walking around on. Actually, there is nothing unsanitary about it since you are only touching metal with metal.

It also appeals obviously to two demographics — the college age set and Jimmy Buffet lifestyle idolizers. Flip flops as beer bottle openers hasn’t spawned other footwear inventions such as built-in cork screws for wine bottles integrated into the bottom of designer men’s shoes. Somehow it wouldn’t impress your date or friends to see you whip off your shoes and open a bottle of champagne at Ernie’s Food & Spirits. Some people are just so old school.

If you’re not into chugging beer from a bottle and want to buy clothes that serve as a two-for-one deal may I suggest the underwear safe?

For $19.99 you can buy a pair of special men’s briefs from SpyVille with a four by 10 inch Velcro enclosed pocket built into the fly to stash for cash and credit cards. It even comes with painted on skid marks to serve as a deterrent should you happen to leave them in a hotel room.

It can be embarrassing, however, if you forgot you put your cash and credit cards in your crotch and you are out shopping and you go to buy something. In most countries sticking your hand down there to retrieve your cash would be frowned upon as being in bad taste.

It’s also not a good place to put your driver’s license if you happen to get pulled over by a police officer. Most jurors would agree it’s a threatening move if you reach under your waistband.

For $50, Reef will also sell you a “stash sandal.” It comes with a waterproof compartment in the heel that allows you to stow car keys, money, and credit cards. Just remember not to wear them through metal detectors at airports. Unlike the Reef Mick Fanning flip fops you’d probably get them back to wear on the airplane as bottle openers are concerned a weapon of terrorism.

If you want to look like a complete geek, you can fork over five Alexander Hamiltons for a WiFi detection T-shirt. The shirt by ThinkGeek has a removable decal of a WiFi tower on the chest that lights up when it detects a signal. It gets brighter as the signal gets stronger. Batteries for the power pack sewn into the pocket are not included.

It also effectively alerts criminal elements that you are probably carrying a tablet, laptop and other high tech equipment making you a worthwhile target.

Then there’s my favorite — the $249 JakPak. It is a breathable jacket that converts into a sleeping bag and one-man swag-style tent complete with mosquito netting. Of course, if you are wearing your Mick Fanning Reef flip flops you are all set to down a few beers on the beach and then sleep it off.

I will never make fun of battery powered sock warmers again.

 

 

This column is the opinion of executive editor, Dennis Wyatt, and does not necessarily represent the opinion of The Bulletin or Morris Newspaper Corp. of CA. He can be contacted at dwyatt@mantecabulletin.com or 209.249.3519.

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