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The X-factor: X equals Y? In your dreams

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POSTED February 25, 2010 2:33 a.m.

It is always entertaining listening to teen-age guys talk as if they’ve got the stronger sex - not the weaker sex as they believe - figured out.

It all starts with chromosomes. You can take two “X” chromosomes and have a female but you always need an “X” chromosome combined with a “Y” chromosome to have a male. That in itself should convince you women have the upper hand because men literally can’t exist without them.

If you don’t accept scientific explanations as proof that women are on a different dimension than men, step into a few stores.

Goodwill is a good place to start. You will notice second-hand stores are jammed with gently used women’s clothing while perhaps a rack or two have guy’s stuff. One would think secondhand stores would do a landslide business with guys who are accused as a gender as being cheap for the most part when it comes to clothing.

That, however, is precisely the reason cheap carnival glass gets more space than men’s clothing in most secondhand stores. Guys wear things to the point that their clothes usually wouldn’t work well as cleaning rags or else they still are wearing them so that when the 20-year fashion cycle comes back up they look trendy but with worn fabric and faded colors.

Women, on the other hand, may have a ton of clothes that they may never seem to wear but they do thin out the ranks. They have to since in most houses the clothes closets usually are smaller than the master bedroom suites.

Department stores selling shoes offer more evidence that women think much differently than guys. Places like Kohl’s have dozens of tennis shoes - cross-trainers, basketball shoes, or whatever you want to call them - for guys because they appeal to the “specialty tool phobia”. Most guys seem to think you need a specific tool - as in a certain shoe - for a specific physical activity. Women aren’t quite that far gone although most females must have an Imelda Macros streak in them a mile wide judging by the fact most shoe departments have two thirds of their space devoted to women’s foot needs or, more precisely, foot wants.

That brings up another interesting point about stores. When are they ever going to learn that a true way to get clothes to fly off their shelves is to change women’s clothing sizes so that they claim they are a size or two smaller than they really are?

Who cares if it is a size 10 if you think you should wear a size 9 and you haven’t gained an ounce of weight in the last six years?

Apparently women are convinced that other women must have some type of radar built in so they know what dress size they are wearing. Forget the fact the garment that they are trying on is a perfect fit and looks great on them but they can’t buy it if they believe they are a size 9 and the item that flatters them to no end is a size 10.

Most guys, on the other hand, don’t hesitate to buy clothes that are two sizes too big. It’s a trend that has gotten totally out of hand with some of the under 21 crowd. It isn’t exactly pleasant watching a guy walk around wearing pants that are 16 sizes too big for him as it just makes the crack problem even worse. And even more laughable is how they’re convinced that females find it appealing. Go figure.

Guys who wear small shirts will buy XL shirts. It drives me up the wall because I kind of take the middle approach. I like shirts slightly baggy but not a tent so I automatically go with L sizing. In a few instances - especially T-shirts - a medium would work but I’m more than self-conscious (think Michelin or Goodyear) because I know things can shrink. Yet guys who would be OK in an XL buy XXXL and an S buy an L.

Then there is the time devoted to clothing selection. With guys it’s usually if you like what you see and it fits you buy it. Guys can buy a half year’s supply of clothes in 30 minutes while for most women that is just the warm-up time looking for a pair of jeans.

Once most guys buy an article of clothing they won’t return it even if all the buttons fell off and it came unraveled at the seams after wearing it just once. If you find a woman who takes that approach to returns you may want to look for cover quickly as you’ve found something as rare as lightning striking 6,000 times in one spot during a 10-second time frame.

Only in algebra can X ever equal Y and that’s in an abstract problem. The sooner guys figure that out, the less chance they have of being driven crazy when dealing with the X-factor.

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