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A few taxing ideas that just might make you smile on April 15

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POSTED April 11, 2010 1:54 a.m.

No one likes to pay taxes. It’s a given.

So you can understand why congressmen and legislators like to say they’re reluctant to raise them.

The secret to having no well-organized opposition - after all, it can cost you votes at election time - is to tax people in such a manner that you gain popularity while significantly raising revenue.

Impossible you say? Not really.

Tax any celebrities on the way down from fortune and fame $10,000 a second every time they lip-lock someone of their own gender on national TV to stir up publicity. Given the multi-million dollar publicity such stunts have been known to generate for sagging careers it figures out to about a one percent tax.

Tax credit card companies $1 for every unsolicited credit card offer they send out. Despite the economy tanking, I got about 50-plus offer last year. Multiplied by the number of households in the country, taxing the offers could add up to big bucks.

Require those motorized scooters to be licensed and tax them 100 percent in lieu of property tax. That way, a $150 scooter would cost $150 a year in taxes. Given the fact they don’t have to adhere to noise or air pollution laws - that drive the price of owning vehicles sky high - it’s a fair tax.

Encourage more reality shows to have more plastic surgery segments and more house makeovers. Given the tax bracket, having $70,000 or so worth of work done as a gift, California by itself could eliminate its deficit in two television seasons.

Establish border stations at “sovereign land” where Indian casinos stand in California. Charge those who enter and leave $50 visa access fees. It’s only right since a number of Indian tribes have played their “sovereign nation” card to avoid taxes, ignore labor laws, and ignore child support orders involving their employees. They should be treated like a foreign nation, and travel to and from should be taxed accordingly.

Tax hockey players $50 every time they throw a punch. That should raise $100 million a season.

Place a nickel littering deposit on every soda cup sold by a fast-food joint or a convenience store. No need to put a recycling system in place because no one probably would bother to recycle them, but given the amount of litter on neighborhood streets and elsewhere the taxman could make a killing.

Slap Donald Trump with an “over-the-top self importance” tax equivalent to the daily take of his Atlantic City casinos every time he utters the words “you’re fired.”

Assess a $1 penalty tax on cellular carriers every time a call is placed that doesn’t go through. It’ll be sweet pay back for the cell phone that allows you to take pictures, send e-mail, update your stock portfolio, play video games, and download “War & Peace” in five seconds but won’t let you make a call.

Slap a 50 percent tax on every campaign contribution over $100. That way while candidates are busy selling themselves, they can actually do something constructive about the deficits they create. Better yet, create a Meg Whitman tax and assess the E-bay billionaire $100 every time one of her commercials airs. At the rate she’s taking over the airwaves, the state budget could be balanced before the June primary.

Impose a retroactive tax on commentators and political party hacks for every time they claimed the economy and civilization as we know was about to sink lower than Hades.

Tax every airing between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. of a feminine hygiene product commercial or a sexual performance drug $10,000 on the general principle nobody really wants to hear that stuff while watching what supposedly passes as family viewing hours.

Tax any company that uses a jingle based on a pre-1990’s rock or country song $100,000.

Impose a carb excess tax on any fast-food company that rolls out a hamburger without a bun in a bid to get on the latest eating craze band wagon.

Impose a $250 tax on any politician who quotes from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, including the governor himself.

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