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Chris, when are you getting hitched?

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POSTED April 22, 2016 12:54 a.m.

I was recently asked by a friend to attend a wedding. I’m not sure if it’s the wedding season itself, or the fact I’m attending one with a member of the opposite sex that piques the interest of my family. But if you dangle these carrots in front of the horses that are my sisters, cousins and aunts, you soon find myself a contestant on the hit game show “When are you gonna hurry up and settle down?!”
 Why are the women in my life so preoccupied with me getting married? And having kids? Oh Yes, don’t forget that having kids always follows the “hurry up and get married” suggestion.
 And don’t get me wrong. I’d much rather have an overly interested family than one that has completely given up hope for me. But I’m a 42-year-old childless Catholic from a large traditional Portuguese family – and happen to be the oldest grandson. Let’s just say, it’s tough to hunt for a Unicorn, when I just may be one myself.
 I just question the manner and tactics they use in hopes of goading me into making the big leap.
  “Do you wanna die alone?” — This overly used and cumbersome question is often thrown at me. I usually avoid becoming morose and detailing my belief that dying is probably the most alone thing a person will ever do. It’s not as if I can invite a few buddies along, “Hey Coit, I’m gonna be dead soon – you feel like coming with me for a few days until I get used to it. . . I’d hate to be alone”
 And more to the point – if these women are so concerned with me being alone on that fateful day, here is a suggestion: How about you show up?! I’ll more than likely just be laying in a bed and easy to locate. Certainly none of them would miss the opportunity to hover over me and cast “I told you so” looks at me. Or will they be too busy?
 (Phone call) “Hey Aunt Carol, it looks like this is gonna be the day, can you come by so I’m not alone? What?. . Niners game?!! But it’s preaseason? Ok I understand, you wanna see how Kaepernick is looking. Yep – you were right.”
 
  I’m not sure what makes me sadder about that fictitious future phone call: The fact it has me possibly dying in the next few months, or that I live with a family of Niner Fans.
 “Don’t you wanna have someone to come home to every night?” — Let’s be very clear about this one. NO! For God sakes, I have a best friend named Tony Coit. If I see him more than 3 times a week, I start plotting schemes to dispose of his body. I can’t imagine there is a woman on earth that wants to watch me collect toenail clippings on the coffee table, while watching a marathon of old Rockford Files episodes. I’m plenty happy with my current dating style of “see you when I see you”.
 “You’re so good with kids, you should really have kids” — This notion is by far the most vexing ideology they hit me with. When did being good with something, become the be-all end-all criteria for having it. Here is a fact – I am good with kids. The product of being the oldest of over 20 of us grandkids. But guess what I’m also good with: A snowmobile. However I don’t hear any of the women in my life forcing one of those down my throat. To be fair, the laundry list of crap I’m good with and don’t have is endless. Antique Popcorn Machine, Full Sized Pac-Man Arcade game, 1973 Plymoth ‘Cuda (It should’ve been mine though). If I did bring home a snowmobile, guaranteed these same women pushing marriage and kids on me, would have a hay day.
  “You can barely take care of yourself – this snowmobile is gonna be a giant headache to you and your pocketbook!”
 In fact, I’m good with kids and snowmobiles for the same exact reason: I give them back to their rightful owner at the end of the day!
 “Hey Sister Katie and Snowmobile Rental agent, here is your kid and a snowmobile — thanks for the day use...by the way, I should let you know, one is making a gurgling sound, and the other is leaking fluids out its back end...I’ll let you figure out which is which, I have to write a column for the Bulletin about it”
 Kids and snowmobiles – and wives for that matter — are big responsibilities that I neither want, nor am ready for. A kid/snowmoblie in all likelihood would end up the same in my life. I’d only get to see it every other weekend, because the lady that “co-signed” with me to make it is long gone. Now there’s this sad little snowmoblie that basically lives in my mom’s backyard. Townspeople whisper as they see me — “There goes that deadbeat snowmobile owner”...and nobody wants that.
 So for now, I’ll continue on the free ride program.
 Shark Tank Time...Manteca native and entrepreneurial fashionista Amy Roiland jumps into the shark tank. Roiland is a blogger and also the CEO Founder of a new fashion/beauty social networking app called FashionTap. Now plying her trade in Los Angeles, the Manteca High grad started to obsess over fashion at the age of 13 and has been blogging for almost 3 years now and just recently launched FashionTap. It is her biggest dream to finally connect up the entire fashion industry on one social platform. Amy has the desire to help everyone be found by what they do and where they live in the fashion world. She also wants to help everyone be paid what they deserve to be paid. The self proclaimed “Fashion Nerd” (find her blog @afashionnerd) may have her dreams come to fruition as she appears on ABC’s Shark Tank on April 29. She will be pitching her interactive app FashionTap...(Here is a link to a short video describing the app https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBJ8QTG1Fl8 or vist www.fashiontap.com) 
Danny Silva’s PSA of the Week: When you’re in a public place, read the room and make sure you’re respecting others. There’s a guy in here Jiffy Lube that is mixing in some cuss words in his vocabulary. A few chairs down there’s a gentleman with his 3-4 year old child. The “F” word is not a word to throw around in public people! Have some respect. People are just stupid sometimes!!
Chris’s Community Chest...St. Anthony’s Barn Dance Saturday, April 30, in St Anthony School Gym. Doors open at 5 p.m., dinner at 6 p.m. and then dancing till 11 p.m. Dessert Auction and Silent Auction. Dinner consists of All You Can Eat Fagundes Tri tip and Ribs, loaded baked potatoes, salad and bread. Tickets...$30 Adult, Ages 5-12 $15, Ages 4 and under FREE. Call school office if interested in tickets (209)823-4513...MYSA Rib Feed...The Annual Fundraiser for our local youth softball association takes place April 23 at 6 p.m. MRPS Hall – tickets are $35, and are available at the door.

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