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How to drive like a Manteekan: Tips on bagging daily limit of pedestrians

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POSTED June 20, 2010 3:05 a.m.
A few years back, Manteca Waterslides did a take-off on a popular Top 40 song “Walk Like an Egyptian” to create a radio campaign dubbed “Walk Like a Manteekan” promoting the recreation water park.

The Brown family got it wrong. There is no science - or art - to walking like a Manteekan except an ability to wear toe tags instead of toe rings.

But it does require a special breed to drive like a Manteekan.

To drive like a Manteekan requires devotion to an art form that is best described as “Pedestrian Pounding.”

California requires drivers to pass a test that require them to acknowledge there are traffic laws and common courtesy that should be used on the roads. This is simply not the case if you want to drive like a Manteekan.

A true Manteekan driver has a complete and utter disdain and disregard for any life form not wrapped in a ton or so of steel.

You must be willing to steer your weapon of mass destruction toward innocent men, women and children. The elderly? Collateral damage. The handicapped? Easy pickings.

Crossing where there is no signal in Manteca means pedestrians have to have the patience of a diamond cutter. If they don’t, they can get crushed like an insignificant piece of coal.

There are times pedestrians can stand for what seems like hours on the curb’s edge at a crosswalk waiting for a break in traffic when trying to cross anywhere between Center Street and Alameda Street. Occasionally, someone unfamiliar with what it is like to drive like a Manteekan will show courtesy and stop to allow the pedestrian to cross. This annoys true Manteekan drivers to no end who are behind the stopped vehicle and must suffer the indignity of waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street.

A true Manteekan driver doesn’t just sit there and take it. Instead, they make faces, mumble to themselves or make gestures including one that symbolizes a feathered friend and we’re not talking a Thanksgiving turkey.

Manteca Police occasionally get a bit too upset about where street safety is heading and deploy decoys to rob Manteekan drivers of their unbridled use of pedestrians as moving targets.

The decoys are viewed as the scourge of Manteca society based on the fact they’re walking and not driving.

They will be dispatched to intersections where there are signals and crossing lights. Once there, they will do the equivalent of pushing the button to start World War III by trying to summon the walk signal. Once it flashes up, they will do the dirty deed - cross legally in a crosswalk.

This is when Manteca Police has been known to become unreasonable. They will have officers stationed nearby in plains clothes to radio marked units in the vicinity of the intersection that a true Manteekan driver is either cutting in front of the pedestrian in the crosswalk while making a left hand turn or almost clipping their heels.

This is when police pull over a motorist to tell them they have violated an antiquated portion of the California Vehicle Code that isn’t recognized by those who drive like a Manteekan.

A true Manteekan will offer the following lines of defenses:

1. The pedestrian had no business being in the crosswalk.

2. What’s the big deal? I only bumped the old lady. Besides, she got up on her own.

3. This is entrapment.

4. You’re only doing this to generate money (said, of course, as the coroner loads the pedestrian’s body into the van).

5. Why can’t I get just a warning?

6. The lady in the stroller should have been more careful. She should have seen me making a left turn coming up from behind her. What kind of mother is she anyway?

7. It’s not my fault the old man with the walker moved too slow.

8. You’re taking the word of a punk skater over me? Look at the disrespect he showed by bleeding on my paint job.

9. But officer, I missed the guy by a good 11 inches.

10. I was late for my nail appointment.

11. I didn’t want to hold up traffic.

12. It’s not my fault. They didn’t look both ways.

13. Don’t you have anything better to do like arrest mass murderers?

14. The wheelchair guy was trying my patience. I can’t help it if I have things to do and he doesn’t.

It is important to remember that in Manteca, it is always open season on pedestrians.

And the best way to hunt them down is to drive like a Manteekan.
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