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Presents are what make the holidays worth celebrating

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POSTED December 24, 2008 12:10 a.m.

I contemplated writing some heart-felt anecdotal crap about my family checking our trap lines on Christmas Day, and tie it in with the simplicity and spirit of the holiday season.

But after watching a little TV, I changed my mind. Who cares about that anyway, right?

It’s about discovering what I can get Thursday morning that will make me a better person.

This Christmas season I couldn’t be happier since the key to a successful, fulfilling life has finally been discovered. 

After years of hinting, forcing me to use my individual logic and skills of inference to decipher what those coded messages were telling me, the message is now straight forward.

I can’t wait to get my life on track, and leave behind the empty fulfillment that came from doing things like fishing, hiking, biking and hunting.

I used to have to get tricked into thinking material things would make me happier, now there’s no hiding it.

Best Buy has helped me come to terms with the reality.

A 27-inch computer screen and pool-table sized plasma screen will save me repainting the living room wall and provide the necessary-sized forum to play video games that will finally rid my head of a brain and replace it with little animated characters tooling around.

In order to really make me happy, I have to get all the Blu-ray fixin’s too, because if I am going to ignore real life, I might as well have the best possible picture.

“You, happier.” You bet.

I can pay no interest for three years on all the cool stuff I bought to help me get through the recession, then start paying it all off once everyone that was foolish enough to save money now, are buying theirs.

Or, I can put it on my American Express card, which will somehow put me in a category with Gwyneth Paltrow, Dave Matthews and Tina Turner.

You might be asking what in the name of farmed-salmon does a credit card have to do with being like Tina Turner, but she said it gave her freedom, and if it’s on TV it’s true. So there.

I used to think she got her financial freedom from other people using their credit cards to buy her stuff, but now, the figurative fog has lifted.

The background voice in an ad for something smelly from Ralph Lauren says, “My romance doesn’t need anything but you.”

I’m not sure why then, the stone-faced dude and chick are on a white horse, but apparently they don’t need anything except each other — and the cologne — and a white horse.

I’ll put a case of that stuff on the American Express, to be like Tina Turner, and maybe there is a mail-in rebate for the white horse. Have to ask my landlord if I can have a white horse in the backyard.

Maybe I will buy him that gaming system that turns brains to animated figures and trick him into letting me have the white horse.

Since my parents are in town, and they regularly don’t have immediate access to anything but stupid things like the ocean, mountains, rivers, lakes, fishing, hiking; nothing good to eat except fresh shrimp, crab, fish and wild game; and can’t be around any of the aforementioned products because they live on an island in Alaska, I have to get them the perfect gift to celebrate their reintroduction to civilization.

That perfect gift, I am convinced (because the radio told me), is a gift card to Subway.

Now, if they were smart, they would put the gas money to get to the ferry dock, and the $80 round-trip ferry tickets to get to the town with the nearest Subway on their American Express card, so we as a family can be more like Tina Turner.

Christmas: Bringing everyone together.  

To complete my mission of “happier holidays” I’ll give HBO to myself, and for happier, happier holidays, e-Harmony.

Apparently, the true meaning of Christmas and therefore happiness has nothing to do with a Birth, or Grace, it’s about getting a present that’s worth more than I thought people would spend on.

Or a white horse. 

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