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Make Halloween real scary: Put Congress in charge

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POSTED October 31, 2009 2:23 a.m.
Imagine if the federal government were in charge of Halloween.

First, the Republicans would howl that it was nothing but welfare-style hand-outs.

The Democrats would demand censuring anyone who wore a non-political correct costume.

Southern states with sugar beet farms would seek tariffs against candy made with imported sugar.

Nancy Pelosi would demand that homes that didn’t have trick-or-treat candy to distribute would be forced to participate in a public option where the government would buy the candy and tax the 5 percent wealthiest dentists to cover part of the tab.

The Food and Drug Administration would require houses doling out candy to post warning signs at their front doors warning that consumption of Halloween candy could lead to obesity.

Hershey would lobby Congress for subsidies to compete with foreign candy makers and then move another chocolate factory to Mexico.

The Obama Administration, worried about reports that Halloween spending is under 18 percent, would offer a $100 candy tax credit to pump up the economy.

Congress and the Administration would roll out Cash for Costumes program that gives those who opt not to recycle old costumes for use to buy new ones and get a $20 credit when they turn the old ones in. Retailers would be required to soak the old costumes in vinegar to assure they wouldn’t be reused.

The American Trial Lawyers Association would lobby for the right to sue candy manufactures on the behalf of kids who get tooth decay.

The sale of candy cigarettes would be banned to anyone under 18 years of age.

Congress would approve spending $1 million for a study on how frost on pumpkins impacts global warning.

The Environmental Protection Agency would come up with a rule prohibiting the burning of candles inside carved Jack-o-Lanterns on nights when there are air quality issues.

The Public Broadcast System – despite big royalties from Barney costumes –would demand subsidizes so they could offer alternative Halloween broadcasting for a perspective not found on the 1,101 cable TV channels.

Organizations pushing for the separation of church and state would lobby hard to have Halloween replace Christmas as America’s premier holiday.

In order to help pay down the deficit, congress will impose a 10 cents tax every time someone utters the words “trick or treat.”

The Commerce Department lawyers working with consumer safety experts would issue the following regulation: “Personal candy collection convenience vessels, hereafter referred to as vessels, shall have ergonomically designed handles with cylinder shapes not to exceed 24 inches in circumference. The vessel must be made of strong material that gives slightly when bounced off pavement. The candy carrying capacity may not exceed 107.6 ounces.  The vessels must have warnings that sticking heads into them may cause shortness of breath and that they should not be used as a floatation device. They also need to have a black “x” painted on the backside of said vessel so vessels are not mistaken by consumers as real pumpkins. Said vessels must be painted pumpkin orange with black accent.”

Homeland Security, the agency would require the issuance of a terrorist warning that the potential for mayhem and pumpkin smashing is up putting police and other security forces on high alert.

The Environmental Protection Agency would require a nickel deposit be paid on all candy wrappers in a bid to reduce littering. That way the unemployed could scour the streets in the days following Halloween to earn money by recycling candy wrappers to supplement their jobless benefits.

 Animal rights activities would lobby Congress to force schools to drop displays in classrooms that depict black cats to stop the spread of ill will toward the felines simply based on their color.

The US Census would come out with a report statistically showing outhouse tipping is a larger factor in how Halloween plays out in blue states as opposed to red states.

Vice President Joe Biden would put his foot in the mouth by responding to the Vatican’s stern reprimand about America’s fascination with the pagan celebration of Halloween as simply a case where the pope doesn’t know how to have fun.

California would sue the federal government so it could have tougher safety standards for Halloween saying it is a state’s right to allow trick or treating only between noon and 3 p.m. to avoid wasting energy at night.

There would be a partisan clamor going on to demand if the Great Pumpkins that Bush said existed really did and if his alleged misleading of the American people resulted in being used as justification to wage war against the Munchkins.

The Environmental Protection Agency would require a pumpkin carriage to get 40 miles per set of rats turned into horses.

And Congress – over the objections of the Pentagon and the Obama administration - would order 15,000 pumpkin blasters at $100,000 apiece from Dell’Osso Farms to meet the new global standard for green friendly war.
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