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Me? I wasn’t there

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Me? I wasn’t there

Dan Eavenson (left) and Mike Henry pose for a picture with Chris Teicheira during Sunday’s Punt-Pass-Kick competition.

Photo contributed/

POSTED February 6, 2014 1:16 a.m.

I’ve recently encountered a strange new phenomenon sweeping the community. It goes by several names: “I was never Here-itis” or “Don’t use that Quote-emia.” Some people stricken by this don’t realize for a day or two and then catch “Post Event Regrettia.” The personal satisfaction I receive upon getting a phone call or text the next day, the one informing me “I wasn’t there – keep me out of the column,” is very short-lived. For one, I’m quite adept at reading the room and am not looking to cause collateral damage with this column. Secondly, and this is to the other bulls in this town, I know my Code of Dudes. I have been a card-carrying Code of Dudes member since 1987. So when you call or text me that you are suffering from one of the above listed maladies, just say you’re sick, no need for long-winded explanations. Treat me like Human Resources, and you work for the state, just say you’re sick because the truth is nobody cares! This town is loaded with a colorful cast of characters that “were there,” and aren’t afraid to toss an off-color remark my way. I look forward to “not talking” to you for an hour about town politics, and having to retain anything quotable. Just give me a cough, sniffle and a nod from now on, that way I know you “aren’t there” 

An important side note: Code of Dudes membership fees are due before Valentine’s Day.

The Super Dull

The football season has come to an end, so let me be the first to say Happy New Year! As with many a pigskin-addicted American male, the calendar year doesn’t begin until the Super Bowl is over (or until a Niner fan cries afoul).

Many lifelong Manteca Niner fans have informed me that “the real Super Bowl” was played two weeks ago. The prevailing thought being the Seahawks-versus-Niners NFC Championship game had the better teams. I find the desire to argue over second place a bit strange. Niner fans even choose to cite the Seahawks’ Richard Sherman for sharing the same “real Super Bowl” sentiment. Odd that just after the “real Super Bowl” his comments were regarded as thuggish garbage.

Yet, I digress.

The fact is the Niners were the second-best team in football, and as a Raiders fan I concur. “Congratulations to the Niners and their fans, you have apparently lost your second Super Bowl in a row, and are half way to being this millennium’s Buffalo Bills,” said Lloyd Barbasol.

Please send your Niner rebuttals to, or raise your hand at the next Code of Dudes meeting.


What do a doctor, an architect, a San Joaquin County Sheriff, a Manteca coaching legend, and a band of miscreants have in common? Camaraderie is what. The 17th annual Adult Punt-Pass-Kick competition took place Super Bowl morning between 12 men and a woman. Let me repeat that, ONE WOMAN, the first in PPK history! Commissioner Mark Condit stated “PPK has always been at the forefront of pushing diversity … and cuteness.”

Manteca High basketball coaching legend Mike Henry presided as event marshal, but was soon relieved of duty after insisting there be a free throw shooting portion. Teams were divided into two categories – Valley Oak League and “other schools” – and the games began. Eric Wohle, being blindsided by Bruce Walker, caused the day’s first injury. Walker is a chiropractor, and assured Wohle that he’d be taken care of, to which Wohle replied, “It’s a cut on my nose. Adjust this!”

The wind blew and the competitors fought through with grit, determination and flasks of Gatorade. The results: former Manteca Bulletin reporter Jagada Chambers took a respectable third, citing that he is still on the fence about having the field diversified. Then history happened – the first tie in PPK history, between Sergeant Mark Richmond and not-a-Sheriff Chris Teicheira. Kissing sisters?! 

Commissioner Condit had to scuttle to find the rulebook. It was handwritten on the back of a 1981 Miller Lite “Tastes Great-Less Filling” poster in Dan Eavenson’s garage. It came down to total yards. I had outpunted and passed Richmond by a total of 2 yards. I could taste the yellow WEENEE jersey (pun intended), when The Commish announced I’d been outkicked by 3 yards. The agony of defeat was outweighed by the joy of camaraderie. Congrats to Lincoln Trojan Mark Richmond, now a three-time champ.

Mantecans making moves

Are you familiar with the Adult Swim cartoon “Rick and Morty”? Did you know that it’s the brainchild of Manteca native Justin Roiland? He created, writes and voices the two lead characters. Also the voice of Oscar on the Disney Channel’s animated show “Fish Hooks,” Roiland has parlayed his 2004 move to LA into a myriad of acting/writing appearances. “Rick and Morty” is the story of a grandson dealing with his magnificently strange scientist grandfather, while living under his parents’ roof (Morty’s father is voiced by SNL alum Chris Parnell). If off-color remarks, sexual innuendo, and pleasant debauchery are your thing, this is your show. Roiland also hopes to rejoin his former Manteca band IN VERITAS for a summer show at Library Park. Details pending.

Oysters and Farmers

The annual Paul “Elvis” Coit Winter Party went down, along with nearly 2,000 oysters, 1,000 mussels and crawdads and a bowl of something called salad. The noontime fest was in full swing by 2 o’clock with town luminaries such as George Perry Sr. and Mabel Machado on board. Chuck Carpenter was overheard discussing the availability of summer hay with Daryl Dyk, explaining “some-er buying it, some-er not.” Kathy Rich wandered around with a huge tray of cookies, insisting she’d shove one in a farmer’s mouth each time “drought” was mentioned. She was last seen heading to a bakery. SJC Sheriff candidate Pat Withrow made an appearance, reassuring the farmers on hand that more rural sheriff patrols and property protection were at the forefront of his campaign. Big Paul responded by shucking an oyster out of mid air with his .22, and hollering “Eat up, Sheriff!” It is estimated there were nearly 150 people “not there” and over 500 “don’t quote that’s” at the greatest party that “never happened.”

Happy New Year everyone, hope to “not see” you soon.

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