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Its my birthday again
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Looking at my mother you’d never guess she has a 35-year-old son. She does – but my brother Richie has nothing to do with me turning 42. 

Yikes 42! I’m half way there, though not exactly sure where there is. To be clear, my birthday is Sept. 12. Lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among the fairer gender, who talk about it being their “Birthday Week” — or dare I say the even more entitled “My Birthday Month”. Earth to ladies, it’s a day, not a week and certainly not a month. Was your mother in labor for 30 days straight? If so, I’d say it is her that deserves the party, yet I digress. Another year has gone by, 42 and still single. No kids. I’m the oldest grandson of 22 grandchildren in a large Portuguese and Catholic family. You could say I’m as rare as finding a meth addicted unicorn with all its teeth. 

My dream of finding a 26-year -old Portuguese pediatrician , that is the daughter of a dairyman (one not related) – and me getting a new extended cab Chevy every 4 years – is slowly fading. My sisters and aunts grow increasingly impatient each year, “You’re not getting any younger, better find someone soon”. Their good intentions non-withstanding, my thought of “I’ve made it this far, no reason to make a rushed purchase” never seems to please them. Sometimes they even feel compelled to go as far as “you don’t want to die alone do you?” What a sweet thought – and an even better opening line when approaching a woman. “Hi I’m Chris, I’ll be dead eventually, would you be interested in attending and paying for the event?” The truth is, of course, I don’t want to die alone. So here’s an idea concerned sisters and aunts. If that day comes and I’m not married – Why don’t you show up? After all, you seem very concerned someone be there for the momentous occasion. It’s not as if I’d be laying there on my deathbed and call my Aunt Carol Moberly, only to hear “Sorry not today, we’ve got Niners tickets, we warned you for years”...but Aunt Carol it’s preseason... “Sorry Chris, we wanna see how Kaepernick is looking. This is our year”. (I’m unsure what the saddest part of that joke is: The fact my family is full of Niner fans, or that it has me passing away in the next 10 years?)

Let’s just move forward, it is my birthday! This is when they attempt to prey upon my softer side, “Don’t you want kids? You are so great with kids”. Being at the top of the grandkid food chain with my cousin Amy Harris, I learned to take care of the younger ones growing up and happen to have a gift with kids. Diapers, feeding, schooling etc etc. I am amazingly great with kids – and they seem to like me. It’s funny that at times I can barely take care of myself, but give me the responsibility of a 7 and 10 year old all day – and somehow I pull it together. But to imply that being “good with kids”, means I should have one is asinine. There are lots of things I’m great with but don’t have, a snowmobile for instance! Yet I see nobody in my family going out of their way to encourage me to buy one of those. Kids and snowmobiles carry the same two problems: They are very expensive and are a huge responsibility. Something this farmer/comic/columnist/unicorn isn’t interested in taking on at age 42. Both child and snowmobile would end up the same way more than likely. Let’s be honest, I’d probably only see them every other weekend, because the “co-signer” I had my kid/snowmobile with has moved away.

Then I’d hear the whispers behind my back from people in town. “He doesn’t even take care of that poor little snowmobile, I hear he leaves it at his mother’s when he does comedy” and they’d be right. I’m great with kids and snowmobiles for the same exact reason: At the end of the day, I give them back to their rightful owners. “Here you go sister and snowmobile rental agent, I’m returning this kid and this snowmobile. One has been making a gurgling noise, the other is leaking fluids out of its behind. You can figure out which is which.”

So for now, this 42 year old will keep his love of kids and snowmobiles reserved to “daily rental” because I’ll be at Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento all weekend. My 26-year-old roommate Anthony K. is doing his first Weekend/Headliner stint there, and decided to drag the old man along as his opening act. So far so good for my Birthday Month.

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Mantecans abroad ...or in Sacramento

Jenneane Rocha has been pulling, plucking, primping, and pampering for nearly 10 years – and that includes her customers. The Manteca High grad and former MRPS Little Queen opened up “Jenneane’s on J” 9 ½ years ago in downtown Sacramento. As business grew, so did her decision to leave the quaint small downtown salon, and open a newer bigger shop. Her new shop, “Jenneane’s Skin Care”, is now located on 1111 22nd St. in Sacramento (916) 444.2691, and will have its official grand opening this weekend. As Rocha puts it “If you want to learn about a steak, go see a butcher. If you want to learn about hair removal, go see a full blooded Portuguese girl.”...Ta bom Marie.

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When I am Mayor

Human sized horse blinders will be available for people at grocery stores. Indicating to others “I’m here to shop, not to have uncomfortable chatter”. Just because we had 5th period Algebra 25 years ago, doesn’t mean I want to hear about your upcoming knee surgery while I’m in the frozen food deptartment. (Blinders to help combat people that talk too much in the morning will also be available.)

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The St. Anthony’s Harvest Festival is here

The weekend of Sept 19-21, the annual Harvest Festival takes place. Food, fun, and family. Volunteers are still needed to run several food and game booths. Please contact St. Anthony’s School if interested


“It’s not where ya do, it’s what ya do.”


Chris Teicheira can be contacted at