Ladies, if you take the time to dress your cat or dog in little costumes, this is why you are single…

Eating a chicken sandwich from Jack-in-the-Box for lunch is not dieting...

If everyone knows you are attending AA meetings, then it really isn’t that anonymous...

I just handed you $2.38 in change for gas, so no, I do not want to buy a lottery ticket, Steve of 7-11…

Women that choose to breastfeed in public should be required to offer the spare breast to a homeless person in hopes of eradicating hunger and panhandling...

I don’t trust people that keep their peanut butter in the fridge...

The Price is Right has the best “I just won a prize” dancing of any game show ever...

I have a friend that puts salsa on his hot dogs. I told him how gross I thought it was, but secretly do it when he isn’t around...

I miss John Ritter. He was a Regal Beagle...

I spent over an hour at Safeway last week and walked out with just three bags of Lay’s chips and a new set of ice trays. Yes, ladies, I am single...

People that say, “I don’t really like The Beatles. They’re overrated,” should be rocketed off of planet Earth...

As a kid, someone tagged “If you read this, you are stupid” inside the Shasta Rocket Slide. It is still the inspiration for everything I write today...

Irony: Mariah Carey, Courtney Love, and The Spice girls were all signed to Virgin Records...

The only pizza parlor in town that delivers to us country folk is Jack’s Pizza Cafe. There is no anecdotal angle here; I just wanted to give them a little love for being awesome...

“Here are some fresh cocktail glasses. Wiped ‘em with a clean sock” – something actually said at my house this last week...

When Bugs Bunny would dress up as a woman to trick the bad guys, I didn’t find him that attractive and wasn’t fooled at all...

If you are going to be a dead-beat dad, be the best one you can be...

I always wondered if Pirates really put a giant “X” on the spot where they buried the treasure, because that just seems like poor pirating in my opinion...

Torture: Growing up on a dairy with an unlimited supply of milk, but having a mother that only allowed Cheerios in the house and wouldn’t let us add sugar...

The easiest way to stop a blinking “12:00” on a household appliance is with electrical tape...

Using alcohol as an excuse for cheating on your significant other is like blaming the Wright brothers for 9/11...

Thanks high school geometry. You are really coming in handy these days...

Deep down I bet the British are still pissed about all that tea...

I’ve had an empty package of linguica in my fridge for three weeks, but haven’t given up hope on it yet...

The guy from the alarm installation place was late for an appointment at my mom’s house because his car was stolen...

Is there anything better than finding a $10 bill in an old jacket?! Yes, finding a twenty…

If everybody dancing at a wedding was actually as good as they think they are we’d all be on Dancing with the Stars...

Is there anything better than wearing socks just out of the dryer? Yes, underwear.

If everybody was required to high-five at least one stranger a day the world would be a much better place...

Playing Monopoly at a family cabin trip is the one sure fire way to find out who hates who...

The art of hand-written letters and the perfect mix tape are being lost on a generation of IPhone users...

I made it from Monkey’s to Wendy’s the other day with all green lights. My 2015 is already better than 2014...

I love the smell of old books and crayons, even though I was once spanked for using them together on a hardback copy of The Catcher in the Rye. Sorry, grandma...

The 1971 Plymouth Cuda is the coolest looking car of all time. This is fact...

Dear Dallas Cowboys fans, nobody cares. Sincerely, Raiders fans. #TuckRule…

How do you know if somebody is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know...

A goldfish is a much better start-up pet than a puppy. Puppies are nearly impossible to flush when they die...

I’m pretty sure that 50 percent of people that use the phrase “This isn’t my first Rodeo” are in fact lying. And probably don’t even own boots...

One day my niece will see an old picture of me and ask, “Why did you wear acid-washed jeans?” I will not have an answer...

Water Cooler question...

You are stranded on a deserted island for the rest of your life. You can have one food, drink, TV show, and band forever. Choose wisely, this is forever. (And yes, the island already has fresh water for you to drink.)

“It’s not Where ya do, It’s What ya do”

Send columnist Chris Teicheira your deserted island wish list at cateicheira@hotmail.com  or leave him a comment at www.facebook.com/pages/Manteca-to-a-T.