Another glorious Bowl Championship Series season has come and gone, and I don’t know about you, but I’m still buzzing over having just crowned four separate college football champions.
It started on New Year’s Day when the mighty Nittany Lions of Penn State made Mark “Vinnie Chase” Sanchez look like the next Joe Montana.
So thorough was the Trojan’s drubbing of JoePa that college football deity Pete Carroll declared afterward that no team in the country could beat mighty Troy.
Champion No. 1.
The next night, the only undefeated team in Division I remained that way with an eye-opening spanking of the Alabama Crimson Tide.
Roll on, Tide. You gave us Champion No. 2, those scrappy, if not unworthy of BCS status, Utah Utes.
Monday night’s football was a Longhorn Fiesta, as 13-1 Texas claimed its stake of the title with a come-from-behind
win over yearly BCS whipping post Ohio State.
Champion No. 3.
And finally, Champion No. 4 was crowned last night as Tim Tebow’s Florida Gators took down the Oklahoma Sonics— er, Sooners.
No, nothing rings in the American new year quite like the BCS, because, frankly, what could be more American than
corporate greed teamed with a highly powerful good ‘ole boy network to dupe hard-working citizens?
Who needs to decide the outcome on the field when computers and subjective voters can do it for you?
Who needs a captivating postseason when you have the “most thrilling regular season” in sports?
Who needs a true champion when you can have four?
Not me, I’m a college football fan.
I love throwing my money down the toilet.
I flush it with glee.
As some of you may know, I enjoy the game of golf.
I’m pretty good too.
I’ve been thinking that maybe one day I might be good enough to make the pro tour.
Of course, it’s not what you know, but who.
I’d be a fool to think that hard work on the links will get me any closer to my goal than a few late night wink-and-nod sessions with my golf pro.
He’s got a friend who knows a gal who’s brothers with the guy that hands out the tour cards.
And as all college football fans know, that’s how you get ahead in sports.
You gotta get out there and shake some hands.
But not all hands. No, no, don’t be crazy.
Just those that count.
You’ve got to feel out a high-roller and make sure you find a comfortable spot in his or her pocket.
Once you find that, boy, you’re on easy street!
Becoming a better athlete?
Winning my way onto the tour?
Earning a legitimate championship?
Those things don’t interest me.
I’m no sucker.
I’m a college football fan.
Anything less would be un-American.