And so, it is done. Not that year we are to never speak of, but those few false steps that are the days after Christmas and first few days of the New Year. Limbo days in the pantheon of time — an illusion of hours spent floating in the void.
Unless of course you actually achieved something of value this last week, in which case you are highly suspect in the collective opinion.
Yes, 2021 has begun, but none of us seem to be rushing in like it's Best Buy on Black Friday. There seems to be a more hesitant mope driving the herd. Pandemic lockdown created and dulled senses and footsteps to a trudge.
Cue Metaphor Machine*
Ever intentionally skip a wedding ceremony, but still attend the reception? Do the old ‘sneak in with the crowd and pretend you sat in the back?’
Maybe it was too hot, a game was on, or God forbid it was a full blown 2-hour Catholic affair?!
The year that need not be spoken was indeed that Catholic wedding ceremony – full mass with some friend of the bride named Linda talking for over ten minutes about the nuances of marriage without mentioning she's on her third. Every baby cried. Your ex attended with a new body, new car, and new hiking partner. Are you really wearing that same suit jacket again?
C'mon Chris.
Thus far, 2021 feels like none of us showed up to the ceremony, are unsure who did, how it went, and are left wondering aloud – will we jinx it by asking questions?
We've circled the parking lot a few times until seeing a few friends and then spent the first 10 minutes lying and saying how nice the ceremony was knowing full well it was uncomfortable for everyone.
It’s like hoping the person you're chatting with enjoyed it, and had no major issues. Thrusting you out of the loop and forcing you to repeat the incident as if you bore witness. All while just wanting to get that first drink in your hand. But none of us have reached first drink stage in 2021.
Here we all are, standing in the foyer of an unfamiliar yet familiar place, exchanging bland pleasantries like "wasn't that something?" or "hmm, a little long, but…"
None of us sure if it's safe to set down our wrapped gift from Tipton's, nodding at one another like jerks. Waiting for someone to say "I didn't see you at the church? Were you there?!"
Let's be clear. We were all "at the church" on this one!
Is there a need to point out who was where? When you arrived or left? The fact I've worn this before? How far back someone sat…
The ceremony is done. Let's all try to make this 2021 reception as pleasant as can be, find our seats as soon as possible, and if someone hasn't shown up yet wedding etiquette dictates they have a year to send a gift.
In the meantime, Cheers!
The Aliens never showed
Amongst all the 2020 conspiracy theories, it was the alien one stirring around mid-May that piqued my interest. Remember that line of insanity? 2020 had some serious peaks and valleys. Often quite tough to discern one from another…
But aliens. That's when I knew last year was really humming.
I realize for some the thought of aliens is ridiculous, for some terrifying, and for some has no place in intelligent conversation. But I have at least 200 more words to fill this column. So here we go.
If it makes you feel more comfortable, instead of weird grey creatures arriving, imagine a spaceship landing and out step three aliens that look like a middle aged John Ritter.
The first thing they do is sit us down and show old home movies of dinosaurs. That would immediately set me at ease.
As much as I've always been fascinated by the thought of aliens, dinosaurs occupied a larger chunk of my childhood. What can I say, other than I'm Team Earth to the core.
However, if aliens could reconnect us with that period on Earth, then move over Spielberg!
Seems logical. If they've visited over the millennia of our existence, just imagine the footage they may have. Not just dinosaurs but cataclysmic events, and the birth of Galileo or Tom Arnold...
History's undocumented biggies: the first person to write or paint. The person who invented the wheel.
First person to wear pants.
First husband that pretended he went to work, but instead day drank grog with his buddies near the woolly mammoth watering hole.
First person to pet and domesticate a wolf. Then blame a fart on that pet wolf.
First person that got left on a random continent, because they were taking their sweet time and knew damn well the Captain had places to be!
Aliens arriving would've alleviated many of our Earthly questions and problems.
"Are we alone in the universe?"
"Should I pay this PG&E bill in full as recommended?"
"Will the Raiders ever win another Super Bowl?"
You know — the biggies.
Until then, I'll just be sitting and waiting next to my deaf dog - blaming all random noises and smells on her.
MRPS Crab Feed Drive-Thru
Friday, January 15 from 4 to 6:30 p.m. – includes 6 pounds of crab, pasta, salad, and rolls. Serves two people. Tickets are $100 and are available at Eventbrite or by contacting Alyce Machado Luis (209) 471-6777
"It's not Where ya do, It's What ya do"
