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Enough horsing around...
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You would think after a life spent on a farm, I would have developed an affinity for all types of livestock. 

Growing up on a dairy, I’d say I’m damn near Hindu in my respect and reverence of the cow. 

Pigs and goats are like mini-garbage cans with big personalities – some of my favorites. 

Even the noisy rooster crowing at the break of dawn like a feathered alarm clock has saved my behind from sleeping in after a night of having too much fun.

But there is one animal in the barn, that if I had my way, would be eradicated from the face of the Earth. The Horse. There is no more over romanticized yet worthless animal on the face of the Earth than the horse. 

I understand they had their time, and served us well in the transportation and farm implement department, but those days are long over. They are now the record players of the animal kingdom – a nostalgic hobby pursued by some – and all at a ridiculously expensive cost.

But heaven forbid you mention a hate of horse in mixed company, because there is bound to be one of the most pretentious humans on the market today within earshot – The Horse Lover. 

“How can you not like horses?! They are such a majestic and beautiful creature.” 

Majestic and beautiful?!

Ever tell a woman they look like a horse? Was her response majestic and beautiful? No! Horses are ugly and awkward. Like a long-legged cow – that doesn’t produce enough milk to start a dairy with. Ever see a horse dairy? Even goats are producing enough milk to get in the dairy game. Start pulling your weight horses – because hay isn’t cheap!

Now we’ve reached the crux of my hate. I’m tired of horses getting the free ride when it comes to hay, because the only thing they are producing requires a shovel – not a milk tank. When the cost of hay goes up for a dairyman, guess what else goes up – the cost of milk and cheese and butter ... and for what?

So Steven and Sally Horseman can have one of these majestic idiots in their barn. Does Steve need it to get back and forth between Manteca and Yuma, Ariz., as part of his cattle drives? No, because this isn’t 1882. One can go so far as to say, if you own horses, you don’t care about the milk-drinking children of America. 

Serve a purpose horse! 

My horse-loving friends tell me of the joy of riding their horse. Really?! I bet it’s a wonderful time for the horse. Nothing like having 250 pounds strapped to your back and then going for a run. The Horse Lover will tell tales of how much the horse enjoys it, and how it is “What they were bred for.” 

They get tired right? I’ve read that you can run a horse to death? Hence: They don’t always enjoy it. We have a huge German Shepherd on the farm, I’m certain it could lug my 3-year-old niece around all day, but we don’t do that. Why? Because it seems cruel and unnecessary – but mostly unnecessary. 

Attention, Horse Lovers: There is this new invention; they call it an ATV. It never gets tired, and doesn’t have to eat anything but fuel. 

(I bet you’re thinking, “How is Teicheira going dig out of this hole? An ATV has to cost more than owning a horse.” Well, it doesn’t, so shhh.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some bleeding heart PETA animal activist – nothing could be further from the truth. But calling yourself an animal lover, and then riding your horse up a mountain until it is exhausted – makes you a hypocrite. A fancy “look at me, I own a horse” hypocrite. 

Let’s be honest, owning horse is some type of status symbol meant to feed a giant ego in most cases. Expensive and overvalued. They are the Corvette of the animal world – a Corvette with a record player on the passenger seat. 

I have no problem with a horse pulling a plow – just not the Kiwanis Club float at the Christmas parade. They are a work animal that has seen their usefulness come and go. I’m not saying we should line them up and put them all out their misery, but something should be done about these freeloading equine. 

I’m not alone in my hate of horses. 

“I recently popped in Superman III, and was reminded that a horse deliberately crippled, and thus drastically cut short the life of Christopher Reeve… and now I hear about this hay and milk price correlation? It’ll take a box of Oreos and a gallon of milk to drown the sorrow – pardon me – a half gallon,” Paul Diamantine of Redding wrote on Facebook.

And we can’t even eat them?! Too far? Well in other countries, horse meat is a readily accepted source of food. We wholesale slaughter cattle here in the U.S. But not the great horse. Why, because they have a bigger personality than cattle? Because Roy Rogers rode one on TV? 

I’d argue that the steer I took to the fair in the eighth grade – Reggie – was 10 times cooler than any horse I’ve ever met. And guess what? He tasted delicious. (Thank you, Wayne Folleta, for purchasing my steer and then unknowingly feeding it to me a few months later at a BBQ. I washed the guilt down with root beer that day after being told.)

Well, I’m sure I’ve dug myself a deep enough hole within the Horse Lover community. Now I have to get out to the tractor I’m driving today; a tractor, by the way, that has 340 horsepower under the hood. And at a low end guesstimate of $20 a day to board and feed a horse, I just saved the children of America $6,800 by utilizing today’s technology – and not saddling 340 record players to plow a field. 

You are welcome!

So drink your milk kids, because this person here doesn’t need a horse around to ruin your future.

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Community Calendar...

On Nov. 6, Remax Executive Manteca will be holding its 3rd annual Wine Tasting event at Delicato. Tickets are $25, with proceeds benefiting the MUSD Health Services Department. So get out and have a glass – or two – with Cheryl McFall Hurney and the Remax crew and support a great cause. Tickets are available at 209.239.7653 or at the office 1215 W. Center St. #203. … On Saturday, at the St. Anthony’s Gym, the inaugural “MOEmorial” alumni basketball games will rally support for the St. Anthony’s CYO department. In Memory of Maureen “Moe” Iorio, the games will begin at the conclusion of the eighth grade girls CYO game at 3. All former Roadrunner hoopsters are encouraged to attend. … On Halloween night, from 4:30 to 7:30, there is the St. Anthony’s Safe Halloween. All ages are welcomed. Admission is free. For more information, contact 209.823.4513.

“It’s not Where ya do, It’s What ya do”


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